Friday, May 04, 2007

and the Diamond Jackass Award goes to....

If you haven't heard of R&B "sensation" Akon, you must be living in a coalmine. If his irritating song "I'm so lonely" (remade by just speeding up the original until it reaches chipmunk quality sound, and then just singing some crap in-between) didn't make you rip off your own ears and then swallow them, then you must have heard "Smack That" or seen him on the red carpet somewhere (or at Club Zen in Trinidad dry humping a 14yr old girl on stage after tricking her into thinking she won a trip to Africa). Anyway, I've had the pleasure of all four. I saw him in an interview on the red carpet decked off of course with the obligatory "bling". Diamonds in this case. The interviewer asked him some shit and he then stated that he "owns a diamond mine" for the last two years. (??!!?) I was a little taken aback. Owned a diamond mine? I saw Blood Diamond but much before that I had also read about conflict diamonds and the history of Sierra Leone in a book called "Operation Barras" (good read). Anyway, having sparked my interest with that information, and hoping that it would offer some sort of legit explanation, I of course, "googled" it.

Below are some excerpts of an article which can be found in full at

here goes :

with regards to conflict diamonds Akon is quoted as saying: "I don't even believe in conflict diamonds,"... "That's just a movie. Think about it. Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no conflict diamonds until the movie came out. Where was all that shit before the movie? That's the problem with people - they believe everything they read or see on TV".

he also went on to say :

"It's no different from The Blair Witch Project. Everybody thought that was real. That campaign and marketing was incredible. After that, they're getting Oscars. Unless you go to Sierra Leone and see what's going down, don't believe everything you're reading or see on TV. Trust me."

trust you? you're an ex-con who served hard time and now owns a diamond mine. I shall defer on trusting him for now thanks. (This doorknob is comparing the "Blair Witch Project" to "Blood Diamond") Moving right along...

""If anything, there's conflict oil," he continues. "Worry about the oil - you see what the oil is doing to people. You see what Bush is doing over there... oil is conflict. When you're driving your cars, you're driving conflict fuel. It's killing thousands of people a minute. Diamonds are the least of our worries."

ok, he has a point about "conflict oil". Oil is, of course, controversial but let's save that for another discussion. Let's stick to the stupidity right in front of the interviewer...

Apparently he doesn't like to go into details about how he acquired this mine which was "presented" to him about two years ago. That's kind of strange to me. Not that I want the details but if you feel compelled to say "I own a diamond mine" on the red carpet when you weren't even asked that question directly, and then not want to go into ANY more detail, then I smell bullshit of the highest order. Anyway, it gets really good here... In an era of increasing awareness of our fragile mother Earth, of the realization of species extinction and depleting resources, we get this gem of investment advice (from a car thief)

"Diamonds are always going to be selling, people are always going to get married, black people will always want to shine and bling-bling," he smiles. (Sounds like Imus)

and :

"I always felt like if you get to a point where you've got enough money to invest in something real, you gotta invest in anything that's related to a natural resource because that's gonna be here forever - so you might as well invest in something that's gonna be here, rather than invest in something that's gonna wear out. I know for a fact that these are going to be selling forever."


And here I am, conserving water, not buying hardwood flooring because of the rainforest and all that. Looking for an alternative to granite counter tops because they are mined (and have you seen the price of granite these days? Fred Flintstone should have been on "Cribs"), and Akon is telling us that natural resources are gonna be here forever! (?!?!?!?) and Akon seems to be "the man" these days. all chipmunky voiced and all. I can actually see it now. Golden Globe Awards. Red carpet affair. Ryan Seacrest standing his short ass on a soft drink crate so he doesn't have to look up at everyone including Verne Troyer, ass kissing as he fights to stay in the closet. P. Diddy rolls up with a blinged out watch and solid gold eyeballs. Jay Z flowing along with a diamond encrusted, platinum coated Beyonce.....and our homie Akon, sweating, hunched over with a fucking diamond mine on his back. Well peeps I'm off. Looking to invest in some rainforest property and chainsaws. Akon said that shit's gonna be here forever!

A couple of more memorable quotes :

He once said in an interview that the operation (his car stealing operation, that is. "operation" being the word used to describe his "gang of car stealing punk asses") was like the movie "Gone in 60 Seconds".

cool. a car thief who owns and diamond mine, can steal a car like Nick Cage in a movie and takes a chipmunk sounding record to number 1 in the UK and Australia.


Does he think crime pays? "Crime paid for me!" he laughs... "It definitely paid for me in all aspects, before and after the crime. But I wouldn't recommend it, because not everyone's lucky. I was definitely lucky." He changes his tone. "I wouldn't recommend it. You get all of that, from houses to cars to all that money, and they seize all of your accounts, repossess all your houses and cribs, and then you're stuck in here. Then when you get out you don't own none of that, so it's like what was all that done for?"

so to conclude...if you're feeling lucky...go for it (crime that is). It's great!!! (unless you get caught or "they" repossess all yo shit)

and more from the article...

He doesn't consider himself a celebrity and longs for the days when he can just nip out for a bite to eat without legions of women looking to chase him in the process.

hmm. poor bastard. I guess "smacking that" can get old. I can't imagine what "legions of women" would look like.

and more...

A collaboration with Jackson, the king of pop, "is in the air"

what's it going to be called? "My Two (Weirdo) Dads in Neverland?"

and more...

"That's why Akon has put aside his dreams to run for the presidency of Senegal, and is more content with being the current leader's "dawg". "I don't even want to be president no more," he says." (?!?!?!?!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!???!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

He said "president". no really. Fucking "president"? Who's he up against? Mc Hammer?

presidency of senegal? Not President of the Bingo club, or President of Society of People who sing like Chipmunks, or Grand President of the Society of Men who Hump underage girls, but President of the country of Senegal! Well then in that case I nominate Lil Bow Wow for this years US election and Lil Kim for Secretary of State.


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